Crack Clan TF2 Battle Report #3

Last week an ill-advised late-night live viewing of the Oscars capitulated to the sort of terrible sleep patterns that have punctuated my seemingly eternal student years. I’m not sure if I ever said I was aiming to put out Battle Reports on a weekly basis, but that was my intention, for the remainder of Season 14 at least.  So, apologies for breaking my imaginary promise, but if you want to hate someone, hate Seth McFarlane.

The extended interval has led to significantly more resources to document, so this edition will be comprised mostly of beautiful tables interspersed a few paragraphs of lorem ipsum filler about my favourite colour and which team member I have the biggest crush on. Before we get in to that I should mention that our SourceTV Relay is now at courtesy of the inexhaustible generosity of Arie; our scene is truly blessed.

Whilst I’m in a slightly apologetic mood I should probably shoulder the blame for getting everyone’s hopes up in Battle Report #2 with tall pseudo-culinary tales of unlocking the secret Epsilon recipe for success. The figures below tell a different story of a rather one-sided engagement, but at least we managed to last 30 minutes on Process. And Snakewater? Let’s not talk about that.

PCW SOLAR Badlands 6 – 1 Log Demo Mumble
Process 5 – 0 Log Demo Mumble
PCW Broder Snakewater 1 – 4 Log Demo Mumble
Process 4 – 1 Log Demo Mumble
PCW Broder Snakewater 2 – 2 Log Demo Mumble
Gullywash 2 – 4 Log Demo Mumble
PCW BFF Process 5 – 2 Log Demo Mumble
Granary 2 – 2 Log Demo Mumble
PCW SOLAR Granary 2 – 4 Log Demo Twitch
Process 5 – 3 Log Demo Twitch
PCW Team Doctrinal Snakewater 5 – 0 Log Demo Twitch
Process 2 – 1 Log Demo Twitch
ETF2L Epsilon eSports Process 1 – 5 Log Demo Mumble Twitch YouTube YouTube
Snakewater 0 – 5 Log Demo Mumble Twitch YouTube YouTube

As if the crushing defeat wasn’t enough, Epsilon’s Gallic frontman, KnOxXx, proceeded to interrogate me later that week in a pickup, demanding to know if I was serious in what I had written or merely guilty of bull and bluster before the big game? Of course I laughed it off like the coward I am, but in my heart I knew then as I know now; that knockoff Napoléon will taste my Übersaw come the Grand Finals. I fear no baguette!

Well as it turns out, that is not entirely true either. There is one I fear. A baguette so dangerous, his previous teammates all succumbed to a crippling insanity having witnessed his savagery first hand. You all probably bought the ETF2L cover-up about PyRo|GEN folding and you might even think you know Crack Clan’s bench warmer, T-Mac, but I’ll bet you didn’t know the T stands for TERROR! Broder didn’t know and look what happened to those guys? Horrific.

PCW Broder Granary 1 – 4 Log Demo Mumble Twitch
Process 4 – 0 Log Demo Mumble Twitch
PCW BFF Granary 3 – 2 Log Demo Mumble Twitch
Process 3 – 0 Log Demo Mumble Twitch
PCW Granary 7 – 1 Log Demo Twitch
Process 4 – 1 Log Demo Mumble
PCW BFF Granary 1 – 1 Log Demo Mumble
Gullywash 1 – 4 Log Demo Mumble
PCW BFF Granary 3 – 0 Log Demo Mumble Twitch Crack Clan
Gullywash 3 – 0 Log Demo Mumble Twitch Crack Clan
Process 1 – 2 Log Demo Mumble Twitch Crack Clan
ETF2L Broder Granary 3 – 4 Log Demo Mumble Demo Mumble Twitch Crack Clan YouTube YouTube
Process 4 – 1 Log Demo Mumble Twitch Crack Clan YouTube YouTube

Buried underneath the hyperbole there is a thread of truth, our award-winning pocket Jack ‘minimoose’ Hammer has decided his priorities lie in education and successful living. Citing a lack of time to commit to the team he has stepped back from the hookers and cocaine of eSports for now. Fortunately we had T-Mac waiting in the wings, allowing our prima donna roamer, ipz, to step in to the limelight of the pocket soldier position; the lead role in the ever unfolding drama that is Crack Clan.

ETF2L Premier Division Table

As it stands now, we must secure all six points from our last fixture of the main season against Quarantine in order to merit the number two seed for the playoffs. Our fellow hopefuls BFF have a chance to snatch second from us if they can take six points from the unbeaten Epsilon eSports. A tall order for sure, but bear in mind BFF have come the closest of any team to upsetting against this Season 14 incarnation of Epsilon, taking the champions to a Golden Cap in the ETF2L Sixth Cup. More power to your elbow, kaidus!

For the record, my favourite colour is crack clan blue and I clearly have a massive crush on myself.

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