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weezer
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Post by weezer » Sat Jan 13, 2007 7:51 pm

nice one.

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RifleRed
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Post by RifleRed » Mon Jan 29, 2007 7:20 pm

Why did the blonde die in the helicopter? She turned off the 'fan' because she was getting too cool.
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RifleRed - Born for dying
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Adam
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Post by Adam » Mon Jan 29, 2007 10:11 pm

RifleRed wrote:Why did the blonde die in the helicopter? She turned off the 'fan' because she was getting too cool.
famous irish envention, Motorbike with Airbags
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Wastrel
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Post by Wastrel » Mon Jan 29, 2007 10:55 pm

famous irish envention, Motorbike with Airbags
ROFL I can picture that so well
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Adam
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Post by Adam » Tue Jan 30, 2007 3:02 am

Wastrel wrote:
famous irish envention, Motorbike with Airbags
ROFL I can picture that so well
OMG lol I was on break and lol LOOK WHAT I FOUND !!

http://www.break.com/index/motorcycle_crash_test.html
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Wastrel
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Post by Wastrel » Tue Jan 30, 2007 4:46 am

...wow that actually looks perfectly legitimate
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Stardust
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Post by Stardust » Mon Feb 12, 2007 11:00 am

1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

2. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an Ice Cream Social. All ladies giving milk please come early.

3. Wednesday, the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.

4. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the Altar.

5. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

6. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.

7. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday.

8. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.

9. This week's saints include a French woman (Teresa, the Little Flower), a Swedish woman (Bridget), an Italian man (Francis of Assisi), a German man (Bruno), a Jewess from the Holy Land (Mary, God's Mother). They include single people and married people. Bridget was a wife and mother. Mary was a virgin and virgin mother. If they could do it, so can we.

10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

11. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

12. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

13. The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.

14. Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers will please meet with the minister in the study.

15. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

16. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

17. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

18. Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

19. Today - Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1 p.m.-8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

20. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

21. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

22. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

23. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

24. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

25. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say, "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

26. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

27. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

28. Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"


29. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness:
GOD IS GOOD
Dr. Hargreaves is better.


30. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

31. Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

From "Anguished English," by Richard Lederer.

_____

I'm told that these are all REAL church billboards, but a couple sound more like announcements, so now doubt is cast on their authenticity. But it's worth a laugh anyway...

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David A. Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs Julius Belzer.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green who has Mrs Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

_____

These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service:

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water"
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor John's sermons.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

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CooKies
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Post by CooKies » Sat Feb 24, 2007 1:53 pm

Yesterday i was downloading a song from a guy called DL. When the song fionished i saw that he was downloading the same song i downloaded off him from me!!

I said "dood, what are u doing??"
he goes "im taking my song back fucker"

rofl :P noob.
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-:- Pilots, i love your coCKpit -:-

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Vengeance
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Post by Vengeance » Sat Feb 24, 2007 5:03 pm

QueKees wrote:Yesterday i was downloading a song from a guy called DL. When the song fionished i saw that he was downloading the same song i downloaded off him from me!!

I said "dood, what are u doing??"
he goes "im taking my song back fucker"

rofl :P noob.

lol
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unsivilized
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Post by unsivilized » Sat Feb 24, 2007 5:17 pm

QueKees wrote:Yesterday i was downloading a song from a guy called DL. When the song fionished i saw that he was downloading the same song i downloaded off him from me!!

I said "dood, what are u doing??"
he goes "im taking my song back fucker"

rofl :P noob.
hahahahahahahahahah i hope he didnt think he was actually getting it back
Life is a game, your either a winner or a loser.

unsivilized
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Post by unsivilized » Sat Feb 24, 2007 10:59 pm

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>>A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of
>>Washington D. C. Nothing is moving north or south.
>>Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his
>>window and
>>asks, "What happened? What's the hold up?"
>>"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse
>>Jackson, Al
>>Sharpton and John Kerry!" the man exclaimed fearfully.
>>"They are asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are
>>going to
>>douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.
>>We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."
>>
>>The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"
>>
>>"About a gallon," he replied.
Life is a game, your either a winner or a loser.

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Contrast
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Post by Contrast » Sat Feb 24, 2007 11:03 pm

edit: ignore this post :P cant remember making it.
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Hit me with the zigga the jigga the bigger the trigger the bigger the bang got bigger beef to tang

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Contrast
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Post by Contrast » Sun Feb 25, 2007 7:14 pm

Learn Korean


1) That's not right
Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive
Kum Hia

4) Stupid Man
Dum Gai

5) Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach
Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped the coffee table
A i Bang Mai Ni

8) I think you need a face lift
Chin Tu Fat

9) It's Very dark in here
Wao So Dim

10) I Thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone
No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week
Wai Yu Kum Nao

13) Staying out of sight
Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive
Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great
Fa Kin Su Pah

17) Give it to me baby
Suk Mai Dong

18) England will win the World Cup
No Fu Kin Wai

19) Whos been eating all the pies?
Yo Fat Wan Ka
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Hit me with the zigga the jigga the bigger the trigger the bigger the bang got bigger beef to tang

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kazuma2005
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Post by kazuma2005 » Wed Feb 28, 2007 5:31 pm

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you
have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is
embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you
tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know
most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled
it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
approached the desk....
The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor
for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the
Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The
Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something
wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Don't mess with seniors
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unsivilized
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Post by unsivilized » Thu Mar 01, 2007 3:21 am

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror
complaining to my husband that my breasts are too
small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so,
he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take
a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a
few seconds".

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet
paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it
between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my
husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of
toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my
breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says,
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy,
he may even walk again,
although he will probably continue to take his meals
through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.
Life is a game, your either a winner or a loser.

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