Official Jokes Thread

Arts & Entertainment, Computing, Science & Technology

Moderator: Staff

User avatar
CooKies
Prolific
Posts: 1773
Joined: Sun Mar 12, 2006 3:01 pm
Location: Gothenburg, Sweden

Post by CooKies » Thu Mar 01, 2007 1:49 pm

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahah
Image
-:- Pilots, i love your coCKpit -:-

User avatar
Ezekiel.
Has barely posted
Posts: 73
Joined: Tue May 15, 2007 12:22 pm

Post by Ezekiel. » Thu May 24, 2007 12:41 pm

Now this is the best lol

Q. What do you call two banana skins on the floor?

A. A pair of slippers Lmao :lol:

Ollie90
Opulent
Posts: 694
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2006 6:09 pm
Location: Essex, England

Post by Ollie90 » Thu May 24, 2007 1:36 pm

lol good one :lol:
Image

User avatar
Adam
Prolific
Posts: 2213
Joined: Thu Mar 10, 2005 12:03 am
Location: Brighton, UK

Post by Adam » Wed Aug 29, 2007 7:02 am

A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final.

As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in

the empty seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would

have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting

event, and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come

with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we

haven't been together since we got married.

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find

someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the

seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral..."
Image

yarddog10
Prolific
Posts: 827
Joined: Tue Jan 10, 2006 2:23 pm
Location: Scarborough
Contact:

Post by yarddog10 » Wed Aug 29, 2007 7:44 am

LMFAO Zuez love it
DOGGY STYLE BABY!!

User avatar
Mythic
Has barely posted
Posts: 88
Joined: Mon Jul 30, 2007 6:31 pm
Location: Seinäjoki, Finland
Contact:

Post by Mythic » Wed Aug 29, 2007 8:16 am

"What's the difference between me and a Viking?" Olli asked.
"No idea" said Ville.
"When the Vikings used to come home after their wars, that's when the real drinking began. But when I come home after a few drinks, that's when the real war begins."
----------------------------------------
An American, a Frenchman and a Finn go on a safari in Africa. They're walking
through some bushes, and suddenly they come across an elephant. How do they
react? The American: "I wonder how much money I could get for those tusks..."
The Frenchman: "I wonder what kind of a love life this elephant has...", The
Finn: "I wonder what this elephant thinks about me..."
----------------------------------------
A young female reporter from a British newspaper was sent to Finland to write an article about Finnish soldiers returning from the Winter War. Interviewing one infantry-man, Jussi, she asked
"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing you did?"
"I screwed my wife," Jussi replied bluntly.
The journalist went red, and tried to change the subject.
"After that, I mean. What did you do after that?"
"I screwed her again," he answered.
The journalist turned an even darker shade of red.
"Other than that! Uh - what did you do when you were finished with all that?"
"I took off my skis and had a beer."

User avatar
Mythic
Has barely posted
Posts: 88
Joined: Mon Jul 30, 2007 6:31 pm
Location: Seinäjoki, Finland
Contact:

Post by Mythic » Thu Aug 30, 2007 4:34 am

An American, a Finn and a Swede are in the sauna together. Suddenly there is a "beep beep" sound, and the American starts to look at the palm of his hand.
"What are you doing?" asks the Finn. The American replies
"This is the latest Motorola technology. I've got my pager embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."
Then the familiar old Nokia ring tone is heard, and the Finn starts looking at the palm of his hand.
"What are you doing?" ask the other guys. The Finn replies
"This is the latest Nokia technology. I've got my mobile phone embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."
The Swede thinks to himself that he'd better not be outdone by these guys, so he leaves the sauna. In a couple of minutes he returns, and there is toilet paper hanging out of his bum!
"What the hell is that??" shout the other guys in unison.
"I'm getting a fax." says the Swede.
---------------------------------------------------
Finnish weather explained

+15°C / 59°F
This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.
People in Spain wears winter-coats and gloves.
The Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan.

+10°C / 50°F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.

+5°C / 41°F
Italian cars won't start.
The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.

0°C / 32°F
Distilled water freezes.
The water in the Vanda river (in Finland) gets a little thicker.

-5°C / 23°F
People in California almost freeze to death.
The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.

-10°C / 14°F
The Brits start the heat in their houses.
The Finns start using long sleeves.

-20°C / -4°F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.

-30°C / -22°F
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.
The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.

-40°C / -40°F
Paris start cracking in the cold.
The Finns stand in line at the "grilli-kioski".

-50°C / -58°F
Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole.
The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.

-60°C / -76°F
Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes.
The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.

-70°C / -94°F
The false Santa moves south.
The Finns get frustrated since they can't store their Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors.
The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.

-183°C / -297.4°F
Microbes in food don't survive.
The Finnish cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.

-273°C / -459.4°F
All atom-based movent halts.
The Finns start saying "Perkele, it's cold outside today."

-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over.
Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest.

Shaddowmaster
Prolific
Posts: 4366
Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2003 8:33 pm
Location: Stockholm
Contact:

Post by Shaddowmaster » Thu Aug 30, 2007 12:48 pm

hehe, that last one was great
Image

PhoeniX
Prolific
Posts: 5660
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2004 10:17 am
Location: Netherlands

Post by PhoeniX » Thu Aug 30, 2007 3:12 pm

"Finnish weather explained" <--- ROFLMAO that was frikkin brilliant :D :D :D

User avatar
Mythic
Has barely posted
Posts: 88
Joined: Mon Jul 30, 2007 6:31 pm
Location: Seinäjoki, Finland
Contact:

Post by Mythic » Wed Sep 05, 2007 8:30 am

A Swede was in a pub in Finland and a regular customer suggested to him:
- "I'll give you $200, if you let me smash ten beer bottles on your head." The Swede thought for a while and finally agreed, partly because of the peer pressure. The Finn smashed the first bottle on the Swede's head, then the second and so on, but he stopped after smashing nine bottles.
- "So, when are you going to smash the tenth bottle?," asked the Swede.
- "I am not a total idiot," the Finn replied, "then I would have to give you that $200."
------------------------------------------------
There is no question as to who is the dumbest person in the history of mankind. He is of course Yuri Gagarin. Why? Well, because Yuri flew around the Earth seven times, and returned to the Soviet Union.
------------------------------------------------
When Churchill, Roosevelt and Stalin met during the Second World War in Teheran to discuss the future of the world, they go into comparing their gold watches. First, they all adored Churchill's watch and its carving:
"To the greatest leader of Britain with thanks. The people of England"
Then was Roosevelt's golden pocketwatch with its carving:
"To the greatest leader of the United States with thanks. The American people."
Last came Stalin's turn:
"I also received a watch from my people, but unfortunately I can't understand the carving inside the watch."
No wonder that Stalin couldn't understand it, for the carving was in Finnish:

"To Kaapo Tuppurainen for 50 years service. The city of Viborg [A city seceded to Russia at the end of the Winter War]"
------------------------------------------------
An elderly Frenchman who is a Catholic goes to confession and says to the Priest, "Father, I have been a very bad man. I have come to seek forgiveness for my sins."
The Priest can see that the man has a great deal on his mind and says, "Tell me what it is my son. It cannot be that bad."
The man replies, "In the Second World War a young Jewish lady came to me and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I did and made a place for her in the attic."
"But my son," replied the Priest, "that is an act of great kindness for which you will be rewarded."
"Yes," said the man, "but I was lonely and in order to let her stay, I demanded sexual favors from her."
"Oh, I see," said the Priest. "But my son, times were so hard then. You sought solace in the woman you were protecting. You are forgiven."
"Thank you," said the man, "that has been a great weight off of my shoulders. While I'm here, do you think that I should tell her the war has ended?"

Shaddowmaster
Prolific
Posts: 4366
Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2003 8:33 pm
Location: Stockholm
Contact:

Post by Shaddowmaster » Wed Sep 05, 2007 12:39 pm

I'm thinking about how to comment those jokes, but the best thing (besides some chuckling and laughing) would be: Ouch!

-----------------------------------------------------

Why was Hitler such a lousy golfer?

he never got out of the bunker!
Image

PhoeniX
Prolific
Posts: 5660
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2004 10:17 am
Location: Netherlands

Post by PhoeniX » Wed Sep 05, 2007 2:15 pm

Do all Finns have your sense of humour Mythic? I think I need to visit Finland again sometime :D QUALITY!

User avatar
Tackett
Elite
Posts: 233
Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2006 7:08 am
Contact:

Post by Tackett » Sat Sep 08, 2007 7:01 am

A little boy goes to his grandparents house to visit.
While he was there he sees his grandpa drinking a beer.
The little boy asked, "grandpa can I have one of those?'
The grandpa then asked "Does your dick touch your ass?"
The little boy thought about it and said "no"
Well the grandpa replied "then you can't have one"

Later on that day the little boy noticed he grandpa smoking a cigar.
So the little boy asked "grandpa can I have one of those?"
and again the grandpa asked "does your dick touch your ass?"
the little boy said "no" again
the grandpa replied "well then you can't have one"

Later on that day the little boy's grandma came up to him and gave him a plate of cookies.
The grandpa saw the little boy with the cookies and ask him "can I have one of those"
The little boy thought about it and asked "does your dick touch your ass?"
The grandpa replied "well yes it does"
The little boy then said "good go fuck yourself grandma gave these cookies to me"
Last edited by Tackett on Sat Sep 08, 2007 8:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Mythic
Has barely posted
Posts: 88
Joined: Mon Jul 30, 2007 6:31 pm
Location: Seinäjoki, Finland
Contact:

Post by Mythic » Sat Sep 08, 2007 7:30 am

PhoeniX wrote:Do all Finns have your sense of humour Mythic? I think I need to visit Finland again sometime :D QUALITY!
Well you must come here, i don't say anything :wink:
Let's that be little surprise..

User avatar
Mythic
Has barely posted
Posts: 88
Joined: Mon Jul 30, 2007 6:31 pm
Location: Seinäjoki, Finland
Contact:

Post by Mythic » Tue Sep 11, 2007 12:07 pm

Who said "We shall fight them on the beaches ..."?
Winston Churchill

Who said "I shall return"?
Douglas MacArthur

Who said "What the fuck was that?"?
The Mayor of Hiroshima
-----------------------------------
Ever wonder why bra sizes are lettered from A to F and beyond? Here is a user definition for those who don't know!

A - Almost boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake!
-----------------------------------
If World War Two had been an online Real Ttime Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this.

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u ***s im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin ***
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is ***
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be *** gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all ***s
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

Post Reply