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5URF3R
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Post by 5URF3R » Fri Aug 04, 2006 3:22 am

Funny joke I heard earlier today....


"DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?" Junior asks his dad,

His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies,

"Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"

"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on
MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother
agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted in her BIOS. Then nine months later a pop-up message appeared and said:

'You've got male!'"

Shaddowmaster
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Post by Shaddowmaster » Tue Aug 08, 2006 9:01 pm

haha, that one cracked me up

I actually never heard that one before, but those kinds of jokes are great
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Stardust
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Strange but true! :D

Post by Stardust » Wed Aug 16, 2006 8:31 am

Only in Russia! A Russian colleague just told me a great story (thanks Tag),

In an effort to comply with International Anti Terrorist Measures the Russian Authorities at Moscow's Sheremetyevo airport have also adopted the ban on liquids being carried in hand luggage. As you can imagine this has caused a few problems with the duty free purchases as tourists typically bring back Russian Vodka.

In response to complaints from travellers the Russian Authorities are now suggesting that such purchases are "consumed before boarding"!

CooKies
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Post by CooKies » Sat Aug 19, 2006 12:11 am

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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weezer
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Post by weezer » Sat Aug 19, 2006 10:34 pm

ROFL... get hammered before going on a flight...... thats just calling for motion sickness.

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Post by A.Mo.K » Sun Aug 20, 2006 12:18 pm

well... thats not a bad idea... i guess after a bottle of vodka, everybody will be pretty quiet on the flight.... :lol: .... another gd thing is that if there s a terrorist on, he ll sleep the whole flight or will be too dizzy to press the "boom" button!
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"Sir, yes, sir! I'm BORN to do a hell of a lot, sir!" - Phoenix, May, 2nd 2007

weezer
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Post by weezer » Wed Aug 23, 2006 11:07 pm

WHY WE SPLIT UP...

She told me we couldn't afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore and
I'd have to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up,
and I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said
she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that's what the beer was for.....


I don't think she's coming back.....

PhoeniX
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Post by PhoeniX » Thu Aug 24, 2006 12:19 am

^ LMFAO!! Good one dude :D

kazuma2005
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Post by kazuma2005 » Mon Sep 04, 2006 9:27 pm

A clipping from a newspaper report on a burglary. May be real but its still quite funny.


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PhoeniX
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Post by PhoeniX » Mon Sep 04, 2006 9:30 pm

^ Hahaha priceless :D

kazuma2005
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Post by kazuma2005 » Mon Sep 04, 2006 9:30 pm

Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."The mother said, why, thank you, Little Johnny." Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny."Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses."
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kazuma2005
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Post by kazuma2005 » Mon Sep 04, 2006 9:49 pm

Genuine Clips From Council Complaint Letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back
Passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I Just
can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly
When he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.


6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls
Against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside Toilet
roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from
The wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.


11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen


12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50%
Are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until
it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
Pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every
morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for
Me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden,
Which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would
Like a Third so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every
night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I
still have no satisfaction.
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Hanni
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Post by Hanni » Tue Sep 05, 2006 1:55 am

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn....

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

CooKies
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Post by CooKies » Wed Sep 06, 2006 8:17 pm

Some things ive picked up during the years :P


<NobelDek> I got all my history from Age of Empires
<JoseoftheWired> Using video games to learn history is probably a bad idea
<JoseoftheWired> “And the American colonists decided to rebel against the British because they were camping all the tea.”
<[7hs]> Brits lost because of lag
<NobelDek> No, the Brits were noobs. They didn’t know how to play in DS_America.
<[7hs]> The Civil War happened when someone turned FF=ON
<JoseoftheWired> The Japanese hated the Koreans on their server so they invaded
<[7hs]> Hitler used a wallhack to get into France
<[7hs]> twice!
<TheStupidOne> No...paris lagged out



<danamania> yay I fixed my laptops battery!
<danamania> it was so dead, nothing would charge it
<danamania> so I gave it the electronic equivalent of a kick in the head, by shorting the +/- terminals for 5 minutes
<gelfie> don't they have stickers on them that say they could explode or catch fire by doing that?
<danamania> yeah but it's ok, I took them off first.


(Lestat): I wish you didn't agree with me.
(Lestat): It makes me think I might be wrong.


<DangerousBeauty> do u seeing me giving two fucks?
<Phuser> i see you giving everyone fucks


<codive> geez, can't computers GUESS what i want by now?
<syberghost> codive: sure, that's why you keep getting spam for animal pr0n.


<Mentar> why did hitler kill himself?
<JoltX> because he was deranged
<JoltX> and he didnt want to give the jews the satisfaction
<Mentar> wrong
<Mentar> he saw the gas bill



<TripleRach> Hmm classical music isn't good for it at all
<MiraiMatt> No classical does not blast
<TripleRach> I can't like open my windows and yell at my neighbors "HOW BOUT SOME BEETHOVEN MOTHERFUCKERS"


<Ali_mastah> so our exam finishes and i go to hand my paper in about 2 mins late, and the tite-arsed teacher says "sorry no more exams to be handed in it's too late you get zero" so i go "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!" and she goes all cocky and says "no, i do not" so i go "good" i pick up the papers and slid my exam in somewhere in the middle of them all.


<stutz> I hear you call your dick Godzilla
<mltj> yeah.
<stutz> Is that because its green and smells of fish?
<jamey> no, it's because it doesn't really exist



Matilde> Hiroshima '45, Nagasaki '45, Chernobil '86, Windows '95


SouLTaKeR2023: I was on the phone with a friend
SouLTaKeR2023: and we happen to talk about foreskin
ARazorbladeGrin: amazing
SouLTaKeR2023: and my lil bro walks in
SouLTaKeR2023: and hes like
SouLTaKeR2023: "whats foreskin"?
SouLTaKeR2023: Im like
SouLTaKeR2023: "Its the skin on the forehead"
SouLTaKeR2023: I flicked him on the forehead so he would leave
SouLTaKeR2023: and now hes running around the house yelling
SouLTaKeR2023: "MAMA ALEX FLICKED MY FORESKIN"
ARazorbladeGrin: ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL



<SomeGuy> God: "Hello Osama?"
<SomeGuy> Osama: "Yes God"
<SomeGuy> God: "Osama.. did you hear about the tsunami?"
<SomeGuy> Oasama: "Yes"
<SomeGuy> God "Beat that you prick.."


WormyWyrm: I don't think half as many people would pirate games and movies
WormyWyrm: if they didn't give it such a cool name
thelandofsiam: Yea, nobody would do it if it was called Illicit Data Transmition
WormyWyrm: exactly
WormyWyrm: noone would talk about it at all, too hard to spell
thelandofsiam: ARRR IM A SOFTWARE PIRATE
WormyWyrm: Gimmie yer booty and new versions of half life
thelandofsiam: Yarrr
WormyWyrm: YAR!
thelandofsiam: I must restart my ship
thelandofsiam: brb






Wich one was ur fav? :P
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PhoeniX
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Post by PhoeniX » Wed Sep 06, 2006 9:33 pm

QueKees, you made my day :D That was so frikkin hilarious :D I can't really say which one was my favourite..

Jeez that was great :lol:

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