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Posted: Sat Nov 25, 2006 11:18 pm
by CooKies
Satan vists the church

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

He's going to Heaven

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Posted: Sun Nov 26, 2006 12:22 am
by weezer
HAHAHA.. nice Que

Posted: Sun Dec 03, 2006 11:41 pm
by Frozty
Ok dont know if this one was posted allready.

Two whales were swimming near the coast of Japan.
One male whale and one female whale.
Then a whaleboat showed up.
The male whale (lets call him Bob) recognized it as the one that killed his parents.
Bob said to the female whale (lets call her Candy)
"Lets go under it and blow bubbles so it tips over and sink"
Candy said "Ok"
They did so and as bob thought the boat flipped over and started sinking. But to his frustration the men were swimming towards mainland.
He told candy
"Lets go after them and eat them"
Then Candy said.
"Look i went along on the Bl*wjob but i wont swallow the seamen"

Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 9:42 am
by A.Mo.K
ROFL!!!! nasty but good one!! :lol:

Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 2:12 am
by Wastrel
A.Mo.K wrote:ROFL!!!! nasty but good one!! :lol:

Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 6:54 am
by Evil Ed
Hey while we're still at the nasy parts. :mrgreen:

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 3:38 pm
by Contrast
k heres some jokes...

What does a Gynacologist (cant speel) and a pizza boy have in common?

They can both smell it but they cant eat it.

A woman was in a coma, but the doctor noticed that when there was any physical activity around the sexual parts such as the tit, she would slightly move... So the doctor advised the husband to give her oral.

So the husband goes in.. starts getting on with it... then BEEEEEEEEEP she flatlines - the doctor rushes in and says "WHAT HAPPENED??" the husband replies "Dont know she probably choked."

Posted: Wed Dec 06, 2006 11:31 am
by IceWolf
This is also a song from the dubliners its pretty funny you should download it The Dubliners - Paddy's sick note

The sick note

Dear Sir I write this note to you to tell you of my plight
For at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly grey
And I write this note to say why Paddy's not at work today.

Whilst working on the fourteenth floor,some bricks I had to clear
To throw them down from such a height was not a good idea
The foreman wasn't very pleased, the bloody awkward sod
He said I had to cart them down the ladders in my hod.

Now clearing all these bricks by hand, it was so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.

And so when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I shot up like a rocket till to my dismay I found
That half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

Well the barrel broke my shoulder, as to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with my head
I clung on tightly, numb with shock, from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half the bricks, fourteen floors below.

Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more
Still clinging tightly to the rope, my body racked with pain
When half way down, I met the bloody barrel once again.

The force of this collision, half way up the office block
Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty state of shock
Still clinging tightly to the rope I fell towards the ground
And I landed on the broken bricks the barrel scattered round.

I lay there groaning on the ground I thought I'd passed the worst
But the barrel hit the pulley wheel, and then the bottom burst
A shower of bricks rained down on me, I hadn't got a hope
As I lay there bleeding on the ground, I let go the bloody rope.

The barrel then being heavier then started down once more
And landed right across me as I lay upon the floor
It broke three ribs, and my left arm, and I can only say
That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today.

Posted: Wed Dec 06, 2006 12:46 pm
by Frozty
These are alot of ROFL

Posted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 10:53 pm
by GunCrazy
baby chicken talking to its mother.

Am I people?
No, you are a chicken.

do chickens come from people
no, they come from eggs.

are eggs born?
no eggs are laid.

are people laid?
No, some people are chicken.

Why I fired my Secretary.

Posted: Wed Jan 10, 2007 8:58 pm
by kazuma2005
Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone
" Happy Birthday."
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !" We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...

Posted: Wed Jan 10, 2007 10:26 pm
by weezer
HAHAHAHAHAHA OMFGBBQ that was an awsome ending but sorda expected but awsome none the less :)

Posted: Sat Jan 13, 2007 4:11 pm
by IceWolf
Beer contains a lot of female hormones

A few men have co-operated in this experiment. It took place in a local pub. The men all drank about 10 beesr, and at the and of the experiment they had proven effectively that beer is full of female hormones:
  1. They all got fatter
  2. They talked a lot without saying anything useful
  3. They couldn't drive properly, let alone parking
  4. They couldn't come close to think logically
  5. They couldn't admit they were wrong even if it was very clearly the case
  6. Every man thought he was the center of the universe
  7. They had a headache and had completely lost the desire for sex
  8. Their emotions were hardly controllable
  9. They constantly walked hand in hand, to support each other
  10. They had to go to the toilet every 15 minutes, and often with all of them at the same time

Posted: Sat Jan 13, 2007 4:20 pm
by PhoeniX
Hang on, I'll make sure QueKees read this :mrgreen:

That's class by the way :lol:

Posted: Sat Jan 13, 2007 5:07 pm
by CooKies
LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!! :D