Official Jokes Thread

Arts & Entertainment, Computing, Science & Technology

Moderator: Staff

Post Reply
Adam
Prolific
Posts: 2213
Joined: Thu Mar 10, 2005 12:03 am
Location: Brighton, UK

Official Jokes Thread

Post by Adam » Tue Dec 13, 2005 8:12 am

Ok I tried looking for the other Joke thred but could not find it

So here is is

Welcome to the OFFICIAL Joke Thred


___________________________________________________________


Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large
suite on the top of a 75-storey skyscraper. After a long day of meetings,
they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and
they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant
task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25
flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad
stories for the rest of the way."


At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the
51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.


"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the
car!"

___________________________________________________________
I thought i would quote 4x4's aswell

fourx4Mudrider wrote:A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.

Men use them to have safe sex.""Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? " The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."


lol Hope you liked!!!
Last edited by Adam on Wed Aug 02, 2006 8:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Image

IceWolf
Opulent
Posts: 647
Joined: Tue Oct 26, 2004 12:50 pm
Location: SwaziLand

Post by IceWolf » Mon Dec 19, 2005 8:46 pm

icewolf and another dutchman are sitting at the bank of a river.
The dutchman says, look, i can say what the temperature is with my dick!
Icewolf looks supriced when the man trows his dick in the water...20 Degrees. Icewolfs throws his dick in the water too. " i dont know what the temperature is, but the depth is 8 feet. :P

also one about the dutch making always fun of the stupidity of the belgiums, so only dutch like it (A).

The belgium king is angry with the dutch again, cuz of them always making fun of the stupidity of the belgiums, so he asks the dutch queen to build a bridge in the middle of the desert. The dutch queen doesnt want to insult the belgiums, so she let a bridge be build in the desert.
So the belgiums had their laughs and say the dutch queen can remove it.
"im very sorry, but i cant....there are 2 belgiums fisherman fishing on it."
Image
Southern Alps, New Zealand, W. "IceWolf" Molenbroek © 2006

Mango Bob
Opulent
Posts: 660
Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2005 3:52 am

Post by Mango Bob » Tue Dec 20, 2005 5:20 am

*Indian puts his ear to the ground*
Indian says: Buffalo are comming
Guy says: How can you tell?
Indian says: Ear, sticky
Image

Shaddowmaster
Prolific
Posts: 4369
Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2003 8:33 pm
Location: Stockholm
Contact:

Post by Shaddowmaster » Tue Dec 20, 2005 12:54 pm

Three Wise men were going to heaven, but before that, they each had to answer a question from God.
The first Wise Man came up and God asked him, "Who was the first man on earth?" He answered Adam and was let in.
The second Wise Man came up and God asked him, "Who was the first women on earth?" He answered Eve and was let in.
The thrid Wise Man came up and God asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" He thought for a moment, "Hmm, that's a hard one..." And God said, you may be let into Heaven.

this next one is f***ing hillarious:

Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"

"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"

"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock."

"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."


here's one for the guys:



How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplow?

Give her a shovel.
Image

GunCrazy
Prolific
Posts: 2232
Joined: Wed Dec 15, 2004 11:52 pm
Location: Toronto, Canada
Contact:

Post by GunCrazy » Tue Feb 14, 2006 5:46 am

_______

(heard this 1 on TV)

4 guys discussing what the fastest thing on earth is, first one says its "blinking" cuz you blink 10000millions time and never notice it. Second says "Na, its electricty. cause when you turn on the light switch its instantly there" third guy says "Na it has to be thoughts, cause you insantly go through 1000 thoughts all the time" and the fourth guy goes "Nope your all wrong. its diarrhea." the 3 are all stumped and he fourth man says "Cause when you have the diarrhea you dont have time to, blink,turn on the light or think"

_________

weezer
Prolific
Posts: 4352
Joined: Fri Apr 15, 2005 1:34 am
Location: Fox Creek, Alberta
Contact:

Post by weezer » Tue Feb 14, 2006 6:39 am

lmfao thats a good one. good find

Hanni
Prolific
Posts: 1152
Joined: Fri Jun 17, 2005 3:09 pm
Location: No Mercyville

Post by Hanni » Wed Feb 15, 2006 6:08 pm

Why you're tired...

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep,
not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job,
earwax build-up, poor blood pressure or anything else
I could think of.
But now, I found out the
real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal
government.

Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with fighting
the Al Qaeda.

Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for state
government.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer,
reading jokes.

Nice, real nice..........
Just because you are not paranoid, does not mean they are not out to get you.

Escobar
Prolific
Posts: 3441
Joined: Fri Feb 13, 2004 7:13 am
Location: st-jerome qc

Post by Escobar » Wed Feb 15, 2006 11:19 pm

pouahahahah good one!!!
Representing The REAL 0nes
Image

"I tried to quit puffing before, but im no quitter"
-Method Man

5URF3R
Prolific
Posts: 1489
Joined: Sat Aug 13, 2005 1:36 am
Location: Florida
Contact:

Post by 5URF3R » Thu Feb 16, 2006 12:47 am

You guys hear the one about the naked guy and the lawnmower? Don't think you wanna know. lol j/k
Image

5URF3R
Prolific
Posts: 1489
Joined: Sat Aug 13, 2005 1:36 am
Location: Florida
Contact:

Post by 5URF3R » Fri Feb 24, 2006 10:01 pm

Oh I heard a pretty funny one today. These two middle-easterners had just moved to America and they decided to meet one year from then to see who was more Americanized. So 1 year passed, and they met up. One said "I just picked up my kid from baseball practice, my daughter has dance lessons at noon and after that we're going to eat at McDonalds." The other one replied simply with, "F*** you, towelhead!"

Wonder who won.
Image

Adam
Prolific
Posts: 2213
Joined: Thu Mar 10, 2005 12:03 am
Location: Brighton, UK

Post by Adam » Tue Mar 07, 2006 1:43 pm

Mike, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde

at the bar and stared up at the TV. A couple of minutes later the 10:00 news came on. The news crew

were covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building, preparing to jump.


The blonde looked at Mike and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"


Mike says, "You know, I bet he will jump."


The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."


Mike placed £20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"



Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan-dive off of the building, falling to his death.


The blonde was very upset and handed her £20 to Mike, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."


Mike replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."


The blonde replies, "I did, too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."


………….. Mike took the money.
Image

Ballistic
Prolific
Posts: 1095
Joined: Thu May 19, 2005 2:06 am
Location: Toronto ON, Canada
Contact:

Post by Ballistic » Tue Mar 07, 2006 4:39 pm

AHAHA Good one Zeus.
"They don't pay you to play, they pay you to practice, to work hard, to be a pro. If you can't play it for free on Sunday you're in it for the wrong reasons" - Brett Favre

Image

weezer
Prolific
Posts: 4352
Joined: Fri Apr 15, 2005 1:34 am
Location: Fox Creek, Alberta
Contact:

Post by weezer » Tue Mar 07, 2006 9:50 pm

rofl that was a good one gott alove blonde jokes..

weezer
Prolific
Posts: 4352
Joined: Fri Apr 15, 2005 1:34 am
Location: Fox Creek, Alberta
Contact:

only a canadian

Post by weezer » Thu Mar 09, 2006 10:28 pm

Life is short, Laugh at it!!

A hockey joke that only a Canadian could appreciate...

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were" said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific attack," he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Montreal Canadians fan." the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little French Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Escobar
Prolific
Posts: 3441
Joined: Fri Feb 13, 2004 7:13 am
Location: st-jerome qc

Post by Escobar » Fri Mar 10, 2006 9:46 am

lmfao!!!!


we love u too leafs bitches!!!! :P
Representing The REAL 0nes
Image

"I tried to quit puffing before, but im no quitter"
-Method Man

Post Reply